When a dogpile of high school football players ended up on the leg of lineman Michael Carpio, the noise around him began to fade. As he hobbled off the field and placed himself on the table of the athletic trainer, the only word he could make out was “MCL.”
Football had been more than a hobby for Michael up to this point. Since he first tied his cleats at the beginning of his freshman season, it was a way of life. Standing at 6’1 and listed at 256 pounds, he was built for it too.
“Football looked fun to me, so I said let me just go ahead and join that,” said Carpio.
From there, he began to fall in love with the sport. A sense of community had built around him that went beyond the sport, and leadership skills that can be applied in a plethora of spaces throughout life.
“I think he’s a leader,” said Nicholas Vogel, then JV Assistant Coach, “I think people around him see his work ethic. They see him asking the right questions to the coaches. He wanted to always be the best version of himself, both as a person and a football player.”
Junior year rolled around for Michael and it was time to finally play varsity football. The Friday night lights, the packed student section and the intensity that every athlete craves to be a part of was now within reach. The game in week three against conference rival Oswego East was moved to Thursday night to avoid the LIV Golf Tournament taking place that Friday at the Bolingbrook Golf Course just down the road.
A lot of different things could have happened that night. What if one play had gone differently? What if the game was on Friday? What if one thing had changed? None of those questions mattered though, because now Michael was laying on the table, pain shooting down his leg.
“[I felt] angry, sad, just a lot of things at once, and kind of lost. Then I hear them say it can either be a week or it can be the whole season,” said Carpio. “That’s when the anger really hit me, I was like: ‘what the hell this can’t be happening to me.’”
The Bengals went on to lose the game 42-0, but it wouldn’t be the biggest loss of the night.
In the following weeks, Michael was informed that his season was over. This would be the beginning of an injury that ran much deeper than just physical.
“I just started going into grief, like no, no, no, this isn’t happening. I couldn’t accept it,” said Carpio.
Aside from not being able to play alongside his teammates, other aspects of Michael’s life began to completely change. He began having sleepless nights, a loss of appetite, disinterest in friends and his grades were slipping. One thought had crossed his mind the entire time:
“I’m not the Michael I used to be.”
He tried to apply the logic he’d learned from football to this issue, but he’d come to learn that mental health is a lot different from the everyday obstacles he’d faced on the field.
“I was like: ‘I’ve been able to tough other stuff out, why can’t I tough out this one?’” said Carpio. “I would try to punch my feelings in the face, but they’d punch back harder.”
Despite the struggle, things were looking up in November when most of the pain had gone away. That’s when yet another curve ball was thrown Michael’s way. After an MRI, the doctor found a moderate grade partial thickness tear, including articular surface fibers of the central portion of the patellar tendon at the patellar attachment. Just as football was within reach again, it was stripped away from him once more. This was a surprise for everyone including Michael, who couldn’t even think of a reason for this to happen, until he remembered.
During his freshman year, while he was deadlifting in the weight room, there was a sharp pain in his knee. He didn’t think anything of it, the doctor told him it was a part of growing pains. This seemingly insignificant moment had now put the rest of Michael’s athletic career in jeopardy. He decided with his family and friends to go with surgery rather than a PRP injection which, despite the longer recovery time, had a much higher chance of being successful.
February 10 was the day of the surgery. As he entered the pure white surgery room, the heart monitor beeping faster and faster, a team of nurses stood prepared. It was successful. Michael doesn’t remember what happened immediately after the surgery, but his family recalls one of the first things he said while still under the effects of anesthesia.
“Can I play football now?”
While it would still take a while to recover, this was the solution, right? All of the physical injury was gone, it was time to play football. The thing was, this injury left a scar not only on the outside, but inside.
“The same thing really, just felt from my original injury. Whoa, this isn’t how it was supposed to go. This is supposed to help me, not hurt me,” said Carpio. “I just keep pushing myself and I keep falling, like literally and mentally.”
His grades began to dip again, and the symptoms of before were back. There was obviously something bigger going on. He began to question if the surgery was the right decision. It was then when he made the best decision he could have made.
“Even though he’s my coach, he just completely feels like an older brother,” said Carpio. “So I’m talking to him, telling him everything, and [Vogel is] like, ‘Carpio, this sounds almost exactly like when I had depression.’ I was like, ‘Whoa. Me? Depression? That’s not something I could see out of myself.’”
By no means is Vogel a licensed professional when it comes to mental health, but he recognized that Michael was someone who just needed support, beyond football.
“To me, that’s my job as an educator, as a coach, if I can make an impact in one person’s life, I mean, that’s what I’m here for,” said Vogel. “Mental health is something I struggled with too when I was in high school, so I knew exactly where he was at and sometimes people just need a guiding hand.”
After many conversations, they decided it would be best for Michael to take a step back from the sport while everything was getting sorted out during summer camp that year. Vogel also helped Michael overcome the fear and stigma surrounding professional therapy. He spent a lot of time saying his thoughts out loud and relaying his symptoms to a licensed therapist. Michael was diagnosed with depression and anxiety.
“It was just a fear of feeling weak. If I’m a big football player who’s going to be recruited by colleges, and I’m getting my ass kicked by a little part of my brain,” said Carpio. “When they say depression can get anyone, they mean it. It can hit anyone at any point in their lives.”
It was clear that this injury had done more damage than just in the knee. Vogel completely understood his situation, something not every athlete is lucky enough to have.
“It can be very tough. I mean, athletes have a lot of expectations on them, and sometimes, as a former athlete and now coach, it can be overlooked,” said Vogel. “There’s a pressure, if you have a student athlete who’s a solid player, their expectations go very very high, and if they have something going on in their life regarding mental health. That added pressure from an outside source can be too much for them.”
Michael attempted to return for the beginning of his senior season, but it didn’t feel right. It felt as though his athletic career was over, for good. Tears followed his decision.
“Announcing to the world that I’m not going to be playing football anymore was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done,” said Carpio.
Although he wanted to manage the team, he couldn’t bear to watch practice, thinking about what could have been. That was until he received a text from his teammate, Ryan Badon, saying a spot had opened back up on the line.
“For a lack of better words, it lit a fire under my ass,” said Carpio.
It was the most motivated he’d been in months. Practice felt right again, things were clicking into place. A piece of him was coming back, and the team was fired up because of it. Michael was back.
“I told him I was happy for him, and I told him, make sure this is the right decision. If it’s the right decision, run with it. His unit was happy to see him back there,” said Vogel.
The most important factor was that he made this decision for himself. If he had to step away, it would’ve been completely okay.
Michael went on to suit up for Orange and Green night, it was one of the best feelings he’d had in a long time.
“I didn’t play, but just in front of my crowd, that’s the spark I needed to ignite the fire. It just felt really good,” said Carpio.
Michael’s battle against mental health problems is still ongoing, but he’s certainly taken a step in the right direction. The most important action to take in struggles that anyone faces is reaching out. Just talking to one person can make a world of difference. There is no shame in sharing a feeling, especially for athletes who push themselves to the limit everyday.
